One woman's journey out of toxicity and into joy.
Much loved wife and mom. Whole Foods, Plant Based believer and activist. Model train collector. Weight lifter. Dancer. Non-theist/Buddhist. Science and nature lover.
That is to say, whole food, plant based. I've spent most of December researching it. And, have adopted it into my lifestyle. It just makes sense to me.
So, I've been eating a whole foods, plant based diet for a few days now, and, already, am feeling better. I've bought several food items including brown rice, beans of different kinds, fruits, veg, nuts, and have made hummus. So far, it's fantastic and so much easier than how I've prepared foods in the past.
Why? Again, it makes sense. Not only for my own health, but for the environment and the animals. I don't like the cruelty of factory farms, nor what they're doing to our earth. And, I've found you can build muscle on this kind of diet!
It's a lifestyle, not really a diet. Because diets don't work. So, on to reading my new WFPB cookbooks while munching on my homemade pita bread and hummus and medjool dates. Good stuff!
Balance. I've posted on what I've been through, where I'm at, and have started the journey to a better physical being. Now it's time to balance those scales and work on the mental/emotional side, with the spiritual side thrown in.
Over the years, I've sought much counseling. I've been misdiagnosed with various disorders and put on medication for those. Since leaving that mess behind, I've had time to "detox" and think about what is going on and what I am truly searching for. I've found that I've also sought a religious answer in most every western religion available. I've even looked into the eastern religions. I've experienced the deep rituals of the Catholic and early Protestant faiths, as well as what I call "church mills" - the new, rock-music, buffet-type churches that have forgotten about human community. So many have lost sight of the real importance of "gathering yourselves together". I say this based on observation, not judgment. But, I won't go into all that as it's not important.
Life is suffering, but we don't have to live in suffering. It's a choice. We can let go of past hurts, past issues, and those things which do not bring us happiness such as wealth and material possessions. Things are things and to be used. Pride is detrimental. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other
person to die. And, make no judgment where you have no compassion.
One thing I noticed is that I was seeking to alleviate the issues I have - spiritual, mental (cptsd), and emotional - separately. Lately, I've learned they are all intertwined and by changing my collective paradigm and approach, I will be addressing all those issues and needs. Seeking help for my issues from external sources doesn't work. I've tried for many, many years. I found that what I have been through in the past has caused such internal scarring that I've become cynical and ready to fight and defend without thought as to what or whom I am fighting. It's become a vicious spiral and worsened the CPTSD and my outlook on the world. Therefore, change has to come from within, as well as spiritual and mental healing.
I've started to seek concepts on purposeful living. Living based on compassion and healing. I was drawn much to the Dalai Lama and his teachings. His Holiness is of the Tibetan Buddhism philosophy and its leader. I started learning more about the Buddhist philosophy and beliefs, it's culture and practices. I learned there are several types of Buddhism, but all are centered around the noble self and the concept of "cause and effect", or Karma. It engages personal responsibility and a concentration on the positive. I weighed this against my 54 years of learning many faiths and found this is where I fit.
Does that mean I'm going to don red and yellow robes and shave my head? No. I don't plan on becoming a Buddhist nun. However, I am on a path that will teach me meditation and a positive way of life. Tolerance. Joy. Living purposefully and for what is truly important.
The Bible, for which I've lived most of my life by and I still find to hold some good truths, says:
"But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the
law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and
debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of
rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness,
orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live
like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the
Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there
is no law." Galatians 5:18-23 and
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is
noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."Philippians 4:8
The Dalai Lama, as well as the Buddhist belief system, advises us to stay away from the negative emotions of hate, anger, intoxication, sexual depravity, killing, lying, and all manner of bad things. It encourages us to embrace the good - happiness, right understanding, thoughts, living, consciousness, efforts, and awareness. Part of the teachings are thus:
The Ten Paramita
1. Giving or Generosity;
2. Virtue, Ethics, Morality;
3. Renunciation, letting go, not grasping;
4. Panna or Prajna "Wisdom" insight into the
nature of reality;
5. Energy, vigour, vitality, diligence;
6. Patience or forbearance;
7. Truthfulness;
8. Resolution, determination, intention;
9. Kindness, love, friendliness;
10. Equanimity.
The Four Sublime or Uplifted States
1. Metta — Friendliness, Loving-kindness;
2. Karuna — Compassion;
3. Mudita — Joy, Gladness. Appreciation of good qualities in people;
4. Upekkha — Equanimity, the peaceful unshaken mind.
It occurs to me that following these precepts and teachings will lead to healing. Not only my own healing, but those around me as I learn to love and except others. Does this mean I become a doormat again? Oh no. This article says it well: http://www.mybuddhistlife.com/2014/05/unconditional-love-doesnt-mean-doormat/ . I can have boundaries and rules in my life. I can lovingly keep myself distant from those who choose to live negatively and even abusively, and live in the positive.
Again, I will not be shaving my head and finding a mountain top somewhere in the Himalayas. I don't know my views on reincarnation but they do make some sense to me. Karma makes a lot of sense and makes me wonder what I did in a past life (should there be one or more) to cause me to endure the suffering I do now and have in my life. There are those who would be concerned for my "salvation". I've learned (even the hard way) that salvation comes from within. It does not come from anything external, will not come from a church or a belief in someone else, and especially not from the abuses of those who would try to force me into their particular belief system.
I've been doing a lot more research on proper eating plans. As everyone who knows me knows, I don't do "diets". They never work. But being in a rather ugly depression for a couple of years, I've been coasting and not eating healthy. And I've not been there to ensure my family eats healthy.
Fortunately, I've been able to gather enough information and build a new database to track our caloric and macronutrient intakes to see where we are. Our baselines. And, we're not doing too badly. We started eating more healthy foods in the past few months and it's paying off. For the most part.
The family's habits/intakes are good, but need a bit of tweaking. Should be challenging with a picky eater/Asperger child. Hub just needs less fats and more protein/carbs. Me, I've managed to put myself in starvation mode with an average of half my minimum caloric requirements. Not a healthy thing, especially with my recent activity levels.
So, now on to the tweak. Hub and kid are easy. I've been adding protein and carb options to his lunches for work, and helping the teen replace some of the not so healthy choices with her favorite fruits and veg. Me, I have to get myself eating more and drinking a lot more water, as I find myself dehydrated. I just forget to eat, I think, and drink. When one is eating healthy foods, one can eat a bit more than with junk foods, and I've not up'd my intake when I started eating more healthy.
Another good thing - we found a gym relatively close by! Only 15 miles away. All the free weights, machines, and cardio equipment we could want. Which means I don't have to buy a load of equipment for the home gym. It was a great find as they have no (read NO) high pressured sales bunnies on the floor, and they're open 24/7. I've managed to get some good training plans for all of us. Kid's goals are "free running", so she hits the mats and the treadmill. Hub's is recovering from his accident, so the machines serve him best. Me, my love is the free weights and elliptical machine. Something for everyone.
And, come May - WARRIOR DASH! I've tweaked my training to make sure I get in the endurance and strength needed to do the whole run and do it well. I am so looking forward to it, finally!
We've also been helping out at our local food bank with logistics, stocking, and carryout twice a week. It's great volunteer work for the kid (almost 16) and she loves it. We love being able to help as well and have met some great people. It does make gym time a bit of a challenge, but we manage.
Kid and I are also going back to contra dance on Fridays. It's great cardio and the people are wonderful.
So, in spite of the numbers on the baseline charts, all is well.
What do Marjorie Newlin, Ernestine Shepherd, and Wendy Ida have in common? They are all body builders, all women, and all over 60. They started after 50.
Marjorie Newlin
Ernestine Shepherd
These women, and some others, are my inspiration. Why am I so interested in bodybuilding? Well, I don't want to be a body builder myself, but that aspiration to work hard helps me with my motivation and goals to build lean muscle for great definition, strength, endurance, and to undo the arthritic damage in my hips and other joints. Strength training makes it so I can walk. So I can run to do the mud runs I so want to do.
Consider this:
Of course, Ernestine is now in her 80s, but still walks/runs the 10 miles to her work (in a gym) and keeps up her training.
Several years ago, I was misdiagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and then bipolar and schizophrenia. I was put on various medications that made my symptoms worse and caused a lot of psychotic issues. I spent many years of my life going down unhealthy roads and allowing myself to be manipulated, controlled and abused by various types of unhealthy people, as I wrote about in my last post. These problems kept me from being the person I could have been, but can be now, even at 54 and older. It wasn't me that failed. It was the voices of the people who never wanted me to succeed in the first place that screamed in my mind. CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was the real basket that carried the issues and since being properly treated, and learning to steer clear of the negative influences and people (totally banned the psychopaths, narcissists and manipulators from my life), I can finally do what I need to do to be healthy and truly happy.
And now, I can make the changes I want for a healthy body. I believe in strength training. I believe in clean, healthy eating. I believe I can be the happiest, healthiest person possible for me by working hard and living life to the fullest, because the barriers are down. Even with my disabilities, I can do more for myself.
I have set out (and been working for a month now) to determine and tweak my workouts for training and eating habits to optimize health. I have sought and delved into the works of people who speak sense. It may seem catty, but the added bonus is that my haters, and yes, I still have some, will not follow down this path, as many have mimicked much of what I have tried to accomplish in the past. This is something they won't do because it requires a lot of dedication and work, time and patience. I don't do this for them, nor for those who support and care for me. I do this for me.
There is a four-part series on YouTube that I really love that addresses the problem of obesity in this country. It makes perfect sense and squelches the societal excuses and myths people adhere to. Obesity saddens me because of the health issues people will face (not might, will) or are facing due to obesity. It hit home when I discovered that four months ago I was 40 lbs overweight and technically obese with a BMI of 30.
Focussing on the positive. There are so many ways of losing fat, gaining muscle, toning, and other such healthy ways of living. Yes, it's a way of living, not a "fix". Fad diets don't work, and if it claims to lose the weight fast, it's a gimmick out to make money, not help you in your journey or goals. I've tried a bunch. It requires plain and simple lifestyle changes, no matter what your goals, to affect the goals. Proper eating habits. Exercise. Period. Yes, you can. I did. I am doing. It not only affects your body, but your mind and moods. People will use excuses to stay where they're at because they don't want to put in the effort, don't want to give up the sugar and bad fats, or for whatever reason. They blame society, McDonald's, or whomever for their type-2 diabetes, weight, hypertension, heart issues, and everything else. Even with a genetic issue, you can be healthier.
When I was 48 (6 years ago), I was doing martial arts (mixed) 3 days a week. I was also doing kickboxing twice a week, as well as tai chi, weight lifting (5 days a week) and running 5 k. I was fit. I was eating healthy. I looked and felt great. Then I got sick, Then I got depressed. The end result was losing my muscle, flexibility, endurance, and gaining 40 lbs of fat. I couldn't run due to osteopenia in my hips (which, btw, is totally reversible). It was realizing what I was doing to myself, as well as gaining a proper diagnosis for my mental issues, and making a change that is putting back on the right track towards health. And my dedication and decisions have brought my family on board to greater health.
Inspiration is a key help in getting healthy. Again, there are a lot of quick-fixes out there that don't work. Many people who just want to be paid for giving you a load of crap that won't work. Or, may work for a short while, but will come right back around again. No pill will do anything for your in this regard.
The ladies above are my inspiration. I won't be a competitive body-builder. That isn't my goal. But I can be inspired by these ladies who have gone down that path.
My help comes from other people and places. I don't live close enough to a gym to go to one of those. So I turned my dining room into a gym (we eat in the kitchen). It isn't huge, and doesn't have a lot, but it has the dumbbells, barbells, tubes and bands, and other equipment that is necessary to meet the goals we have made for ourselves. We plan to get more in.
My main help comes from this man: Michael Matthews. He's written books and has a ton of stuff on his website as well as You Tube to help with getting in shape.
Another source of great workout tips and how to correctly do things, as well as good-eating tips, comes from Athlean X and Athlean XX for women. I do strength training 5-6 days a week. And I lift heavy.
I'm not much of a cardio person, but I do things that I know works and enjoy. I walk along my beautiful road by my house in the country, with the goal of getting back to running (back to the mud run goal and have some training here). I do contradance once a week with my teenager. I try to get some cardio in by doing some Zumba (I like some of the routines) and my old Jazzercise DVDs. I am working in some of my Tai Chi and belly dance DVDs as well. Slowly but surely. I hope to get back into martial arts as well. Short term get back to goals is the Couch to 5K as this will help with my goal of doing the Warrior Dash.
My other mid-long term goal is to get my physical trainer certification through ACE. This way, I can help people with their fitness goals and hope to specialize in older folks and folks with disabilities.
And yes, there is time. My family and I volunteer and local places like the food bank and hospice. My hubby works, but the teen and I so love helping out where we can, and hub helps when he's off. Fortunately, he has a great job working 3 days a week and available during the week.
Developing healthy habits is hard. It requires motivation, dedication, hard work, healthy habits, focus, and keeping your eyes on your goals. It's all about progress, not perfection. It's never giving up. It's about improving yourself, and being better than you were before, not better than anyone else. Mentally. Spiritually, Emotionally, and Physically. No excuses.
This is my story. I will warn anyone with a "past" that there are possible triggers, though I've tried to keep details to a minimum. It is my hope that it will be of help to someone struggling.
I was raised by a perfectionist, verbally abusive father and
a narcissist extreme-hoarder mother, with two older brothers 9 and 12 years my
senior. The first 6-7 years were okay, most of the crap didn't come out until
then. Then the proverbial excrement hit the oscillating device as it were. My
eldest brother - my hero - went into the military when I was 5. The younger of
the two dived into drugs, and my parents crawled into a bottle. I lived with
increasing garbage (and I mean grade A, USDA inspected garbage normal folks
throw into their trash can) knee deep in the house, a dog that didn't go
outside (ever), and an ever exponentially increasing shell that developed
around myself. From Beaver the Cleaver to Oprah qualified. I was skinny,
redheaded, freckled and short (until I was 16), which was not cool in the 70's.
My new nickname at school was "fleabag" due to the constant and
numerous bites but kind people generally just called me "red". I will
say, throughout my childhood, I did have some staunch friends who stood by me,
many do to this day. I believe that is how I am still alive. I was the youngest
brother's target for mental, physical and sexual abuse. My parent's? Still in
the bottle, didn't want to hear about what was going on with the brother
(forgot to mention, that brother was my mother's favorite and she funded his
drug habits). I even told my mother that I was going to call the health
department on her for the state of the house, and she told me “why do you want
to hurt me?” That’s all she cared about. The emergency number for my parents at
my schools was the local bar - no joke. The people of the neighborhood and at
school would put me down, as if it were my fault. “Why don’t you clean your
house?” I tried once, I was beat up for it, physically and mentally.
Two months
before my 16th birthday, my father died, my mother went bananas, and I was sent
to live with my eldest brother and his wife oversees (they were military). Out
of the fire, into the frying pan. Now, initially this was a good thing. It was
a lot of fun and the DoD school I went to was awesome. That 9 months of my life
was almost idealistic by comparison. Then we came back to the states to a new
town, mostly military but away from my friends of where I grew up and the
overseas school. Fortunately, new friends happened but the homelife went to
Hoolies. My brother and his wife were expecting their first child, which I
thought was great (remember, my brother had been my absolute hero growing up),
and, whether that is a factor, suddenly I was an outsider. Looking back, my
brother showed very psychopathic tendencies (not murderous, just self-centered
and controlling; enter abandonment issues) while his wife was very codependent
and probably narcissistic and verbally abusive. The first indication of my
brother's distance to me was when he told me "The problem with kids is
that they grow up. I like kids". In all this, through those years, I was
to blame for everything, including things I never did. The SIL seemed to take
great joy in making up stories to tell my brother, who would believer her
unconditionally. I would receive more verbal abuse in the form of snide sarcasm
and horrible psychological tactics while she looked on and smirked. I had to
work for everything, from my own food and medications (if I got sick, which
wasn’t tolerated), and later in life watched my niece and nephew get handed
life on a silver platter and become successful. Not that I begrudged them, but
I was a good kid. I was constantly compared to them in later life. I never did
drugs, never got into trouble; in fact, I was over-diligent NOT to get into
trouble. Nothing I did was ever right or acceptable. I never met expectations as
I was never told what those expectations were. And they changed if I figured
one out. Horrible head games.
Needless to say, I found a way to escape. Back to the fire,
as it were. I married a guy in the military 10 days after graduating high
school. Fire indeed. Narcissistic at best, psychopathic at worst and a
pathological liar. I would go to psychiatrists and was yanked out of them after
a few months, as the shrink would figure out that I needed to get away and get
divorced. Stupidly, I’d tell the spouse what the shrink said. After five years
of that abuse, with a broken back, brain damage, and more emotional abuse to
add to the list, my 1-1/2 yr old daughter and I left. Enter, stage left, the
stalking and threats. Fortunately, he got remarried to someone who enjoyed
being dominated (I went to high school with her) and wrote the book on
codependency (yeah, she even told me of her therapies and diagnoses). I moved
away (far away, from one coast to the other) and ended up losing custody of my
eldest after a lengthy visitation she had with her father. Naïve to the max, I
was. I ended up in a mental hospital (low security) for a month, which was the
real first part of my healing. All through this, and in later years, that “not
being good enough” despite excelling at things (4.0 average at school, etc.) I
lived in that shell and could not cope with “real life”. The family couldn’t
understand why I shut them out, because, they’d say, “We were so good to you.
Did everything for you. You are just ungrateful.” Riiiiiigggghhhhtt. You can’t
argue with people like that. They don’t want the truth, they want to be in
control.
I spent the next several years working to support myself,
though never holding a job for more than a year but mostly a few months, in and
out of counseling, in and out of questionable relationships (same
mental/emotional/sexual abuse) but making good friends as I discovered
activities that I enjoyed, never fully trusting anyone and being the “flaky
one” of any group. Even seeking just about every religious venue in hopes of
finding some real type of “forgiveness”. Didn’t help. Never really succeeding
at anything and watching my physical health take a nose dive as I went along.
Always feeling judged, always wondering and thinking people were thinking bad
thoughts of me to the point I thought I could hear them. Freaking out at
over-stimulus and negative situations which led to a false diagnosis of
bi-polar and schizophrenia in my later years. I had to learn to separate myself
from toxic people, including my own family. Mostly I got tired of being told
what I loser I was because of all my failures.
Things started looking up in my late-40’s when I met my
current husband and we got married. The downside the relationship was his
ex-wife and her family. Oh, my giddy aunt, what a set of toxic people. I can’t
begin to tell what horrible things they did to him and tried to do to us. They
set his three kids, and even were instrumental at further setting my eldest,
against us. The kids thought we were great until about 2009 when I was unable
to work due to the mental and physical issues I had made it impossible to work
for me (and still do) and thus our income went down, while child support went
up. The kids were taught by the ex that money was everything and that if we
couldn’t buy them what they wanted, we didn’t love them. I have stacks of hate
mail from these kids, kids who used to express love to us, even called me
“mom”. They are all adults now and still try to blame us for their problems.
I was programmed to respond to everyone as if I were to
blame for everything and that I was deserving of punishment. I was just a screw
up and didn’t deserve a good life. I spent the majority of my life thinking
“Why am I here if all I do is screw up? Why am I still alive?” I even felt,
perhaps, maybe I was living a Karma life from a previous life where I was a
horrible person (though I don’t believe in reincarnation). It was for my
youngest daughter’s sake that I had to gather up the strength to separate our
family from all these toxic people. Completely, and not allow them to influence
and affect our lives. It was in my early 50’s that I was properly diagnosed
with CPTSD and learning that I was allergic to some foods, preservatives, most
anti-psychotics, and herbicides/pesticides, started to get myself healthy
again. More therapy. I found natural ways of helping my brain, psyche, and
physical health through exercise, proper nutrition, supplements (not snake oil
stuff), and standing my ground. Learning to get angry and refusal to accept the
lies and manipulations from toxic people rather than allowing myself, and my
family, to be beat up and to blame. I even protect my family from these people,
as I have the strength and experience to stand up against them and recognize the
signs. It was, and is, very hard work and exhausting.
I’m 54 now, and tend not to attract those toxic
types anymore, though they still try. I’m still learning, and still fighting
against the voices in my head that try to say I’m a loser, that it’s my fault,
that I need to be punished, yada, yada, yada. No. That argument is invalid, and
I don’t have to listen to it. I don’t have to believe it. It helps having a
supportive husband and daughter (now almost 16) who love and support me, even
if they don’t fully understand my feelings, they are there. I’ve learned
self-love. I’ve learned that self-love isn’t indulgence (though I do treat
myself from time to time), isn’t allowing myself to engage in unhealthy
behaviors to hide the pain, isn’t running or building a shell. It’s taking care
of myself and not allowing myself to be co-dependent and take care of others.
Yes, I take care of my family in healthy, proper ways. But, I am not
responsible for other people’s feelings or actions. Only my own. I am learning,
every day, to surround myself with healthy people, and, by healthy, I mean
those who choose to live positively, even if they have issues and problems such
as myself and are working through them, not the unhealthy which are the losers
and abusers who chose to live negatively. I allow myself to heal, and to know
that what I feel and the memories I have are okay, they are there, but they
don’t rule me. I make the choice, every day, every instance, to determine if
any thought, any activity, is healthy and productive. I make the choice, every
single day, and sometimes, every single moment of a day, to tell myself I am
good, I am capable, I am not what happened to me, AND. I. AM. NOT. TO. BLAME.
So, I have read that doing sit-ups and crunches aren't
really good exercise, as once was thought. I'm now learning to do planks and
improve my pushups, as well as other core exercises that are safer for and
strengthen the lower back as well.
Doing upper body work today, which is good as I am exhausted
from not sleeping well. Upper body work is easier for me than lower body. I'm
trying a new supplement as I find OTC sleep aids to cause me anxiety issues.
It's your typical herbal stuff and has worked great for dd’s and her related Asperger's
issues. Unfortunately, I'm allergic to most mainstream medications for my ailments. I think last night was just anxiety over Hub going back to work, which
will pass. Chronic stress from PTSD does not help, including an ACE score of 9 out of 10,
but I'm taking more proactive steps to relieve it. I know with Hub, he has such
a great support network at work. They are looking out for him, keeping him from
doing too much, and have been tremendous through his injury.
There comes a time, a place, and instance, when mainstream
medicine doesn't help. That is not to say I find it bad, as it helps many. It
depends on the person and the situation. But one must find the strength to pull
oneself out of the pit and seek out what does work at any given moment. To find
the good in the now, and in the past, and pull it to the forefront, and gently
lay to rest the things that cause one the most pain. I've been called sick,
eccentric, crazy, you name it. I've been kicked when down. I've been
misunderstood and made to blame for being a victim on such times that I was.
Blame? I blame no one or nothing at this point in my life. My energy, instead, must
go into fixing and improving. Staying positive. Identifying the negative and
learning to stay away from it - those things that would pull me down. The toxic
people that would make me their scapegoat. There are many I've had to ban from
my life. And, instead, gravitate towards those who understand and are healthy.
Not for pity or sympathy, but for understanding. Work to reverse the arthritic damage, brain damage, fibromyalgia, diverticulosis, and other issues that make even just walking difficult.
The reason I share this is because all around each of us,
there are people struggling. There are people hurting. People who suffer in
silence. There are toxic predators and psychopaths (and not all psychopaths are
horrible killers). There are countless victims. There are liars, cheats, and
thieves around every corner. I work at trying to turn my pain into a means of
understanding others and helping them to cope and improve, as well as improve
myself. I don't always succeed, but I always try. Judging is easy, especially
when one does not have all the facts. I'm a firm believe in "what goes down, comes back around" and it's not for me to decide on the fate or consequences people bring themselves into.
I am not here to judge anyone. I post to reflect
and share and motivate myself to get better. It helps me to figure out what is
going on in my damaged brain and which paths are the right ones to take.
I wrote this about a week ago amidst the political bashing I see around me every day.
Where I stand.
Do not mistake my silence for apathy. I choose to find
positive, effective ways of making my voice heard regarding politics and
religion. Division and hate, and especially temper tantrums and violence, never
accomplish anything but strife and problems. I don’t bash government officials
I didn’t personally like because that is childish and negative behavior. What
you do about your beliefs shows who you are, it doesn’t affect those in office
the slightest. Intelligent people never pay attention to rumor memes. They
gather real facts and find ways to effect change without hate towards those who
don’t agree with them. Many I have found
that disagree with my political standing will engage in a rage-hate match rather
than a calm, open-minded, fact-filled debate. There have been times in my life
I allowed myself to get caught in that trap. And there have been times I have
been seriously abused for standing up for my beliefs.
The problem with Obamacare: not only did it raise our
premiums from $50 per month to $250 per week for our family of three, raise our
deductibles from $500 per year to $15,000 per year, and the insurance companies
cut most of their benefits to us to almost nil. Not only do we have to pay the high
cost of health care, we’re forced to by the IRS or we’ll be fined significantly
(fortunately, that fine has been brought down to zero staring 2019).We make too much for benefits and discounts,
but not enough to be able to afford to go to the doctor.I get tempted to send my medical bills to
those who claim this is a good thing that helps people. It’s not about people
who are truly disabled or elderly and truly need assistance. It’s about those
who can work and don’t, and should be here legally and are not.
I am disabled. Considerably disabled. I cannot work. I
cannot drive. I have both physical and mental issues. Yet the Social Security
administration doesn’t think I’m disabled enough to get benefits. I’ve met
people far less disabled than I am who have benefits. Usually because they had
drug addictions. And, because of the issue above, I cannot afford the health
care nor the medications to bring me to the level to be able to work in some
situations.The medications in question
total over $3000 per month after insurance coverage. So, I do without. Our daughter has Asperger’s.
Getting affordable help for her is near impossible. What about Medicaid? Even
if we were eligible, there are no psychiatrists in our area who accept it. And
many doctors do not.
Meanwhile, there are illegal aliens who get health and
welfare benefits. I know of some in Texas.The majority of tenants reside a subsidized apartment complex are
illegal aliens. These people are young and able to work. They have not bothered
to apply for citizenship. Instead, they run scams from their apartments. One
such scam is pretending to rent houses they find that are for sale, trying to
convince people not to contact the realtors, that they were in some horrific
accident and out of state, and to be mailed the keys to the place, they need to
have money wired to them through untraceable means such as Wal-Mart Money
Centers.Yes, it’s true, as I uncovered
one of these such scams that, fortunately, I was not a victim of. Many
hard-working Americans who can’t afford the rising costs of housing and utilities,
and the high cost of healthcare have been suckered into such with promises of
low rent. This is just one such scam.
Some claim that deporting illegal aliens is racist. No, it
is not. It’s dealing with people illegally in our country taking advantage of
free living. It has nothing to do with race, religion, or any personal
beliefs.
Gun control. The problem with this is that when guns are
made illegal, only criminals will have them. Just look at the street drug
problem. They’re illegal, yet they exist and are readily available. The laws
have tightened so much that I cannot get pain killers for my pain issues, yet
there are still drugs on the street. The problem with mass shootings is the
mentality of the people who do such things. If they can’t get a gun, they will
find other ways of carrying out what they wish to do. Should it be difficult to
obtain assault weapons? Sure. Pistols for protection (and have protected me
from crimes in the past) or hunting rifles? I think there should be background
checks and possibly waiting periods, but no, they should never be banned. If
so, we should ban other potential weapons, such as tools, kitchen knives, cars,
and other things can deliberately cause damage and death to people.
Christianity (or any belief system). No, I don’t go to
church. What I believe is personal and choose to have my life show who I am,
rather than “lip service”.I have a hard
time with the label “Christian” because of the way some who do label themselves
act. Going to church, or wearing of Christian paraphernalia, doesn’t make you a
Christian any more than being in a garage makes you a car. The same is true for
any religion or belief-system. I’ve seen
real Christians who live what they believe. I’ve also seen those who do not and
been burned by them. I went to a few churches recently. I was expected to give
of myself, my money, my time, my talents, yet when I was sick, I was not
visited, or even called. (Matt 25:42-46). Being disabled, I am prone to
illness. Even after I was ill and informed the leaders of these churches, I
still got messages to come work (“are you well enough to go on the schedule?”),
but no one called to see how I was doing. I also feel people who claim to be
Christian and engage in hate should read Proverbs 6. Do I believe in Christ?
Certainly. I still help those in need in whatever way I can.
Am I intolerant of those who do not believe as I do? Never.
I am intolerant of illegal or bad behavior, including hate.Actions show what people really believe. And
I have been, and still am, hated for not giving in to someone else’s
manipulation, hate, abuse, control, and/or beliefs. To the point of being
abused. From sarcastic put-downs to having my back broken and brain physically damaged
by abuse. But I refuse to wear it on my shoulder. I have, however, banned toxic
and hateful people from my life. Including, sadly, some of our own adult children. There are those who don't like when I speak out because it exposes them; they can't silence those who they would make their scapegoat.
These are facts. These are my personal experiences. Not
media-driven hate speech. I do not engage in hate because it only stirs more
hate and discontent, and only hurts the person engaging in such emotions caused
by hate.
What happens when you engage in hate:
Research shows that hatred changes the
chemistry in the brain as it stimulates the premotor cortex which is
responsible for planning and execution of motion. This prepares us to act
aggressively when feeling hateful, either to defend or as an attack. This
activation also triggers the autonomic nervous system, creating “fight or
flight” responses, increasing cortisol and adrenalin. Both these hormones
deplete the adrenals and contribute to weight gain, insomnia, anxiety,
depression and chronic illness. And so the cycle of bodily and mental dis-ease
continues. Hatred also triggers the mind to try to predict what the actions of
the person being hated may do, as a way to protect you, but this leads to
further anxiety, restlessness, obsessive thinking and paranoia, which also then
impacts negatively in the way you engage in relationships. It’s important to
note that all these reactions affect only the hater, and not the hated,
breaking down your nervous – immune – and endocrine system, and your mental
well-being.
The opposite of hatred is not love. It is
mental and emotional detachment. Hatred attaches you to the thing or person you
hate. Hatred is an intense repulsion that creates a mirror effect in that it
attracts the person back to the thing hated in order to be repulsed by it over
and over. Hatred is bitter-sweet as it inflates the ego and makes you feel very
superior and self-righteous against the thing or one that is hated, only
breeding further pain.
Hello. I'm a 54 yr-old American woman on a mission. A mission to improve myself and, hopefully, the world around me by living a positive, healthy life.
I called this blog the Perennial Soul. It means: lasting or existing for a long or apparently infinite time;
enduring or continually recurring.
While I feel my life is perennial, I do not feel it is never-changing. We learn to bloom where we are planted. We learn and grow and even change. We can control our change and environment, or we can let our environment change and control us. This blog is a repository of thoughts and feelings in my journey in life.
It took me over 50 years to discover who I am. I mean,
seriously discover. Many years of searching, finding, mistaking, bad decisions,
and learning to love and accept myself for being a damn good human being. In
spite of everything negative, the positive and the now, as well as the future,
is what matters. I discovered I am not a survivor, I am a warrior, because I
came out of so many things stronger and overcame that which should have killed
me.
Who I am. I do not define myself by political or religious
venues. Nor by beliefs or by physical or cultural/racial qualities. I do not
allow any of those things to define or control me. I allowed so much of that,
and those who were predators, psychopaths, and just users to control so much of
me and define who I was for so long. I learned I could pull myself out of that
pit, and the memories that kept me prisoner. Part of it was my abhorrence to
pity and sympathy. I gave myself the understanding I needed, and pulled on the
strength of that which I call my higher power. I started to define myself not
by what others told me I should be or was by their estimation, but by what I
knew, deep down, to be.
I gave myself permission to distance myself from toxic and
abusive people. I found my negative state of mine attracted them. Shifted my
focus from the "why did this happen" to the "what can I do about
now". Nurtured the victim to be the conquerer. Learned not to give power
to the negative, but let it be as the balance it was meant to be. I learned to
seek the truth and follow it. And learned to follow my own heart, not what
others expected of me, whether or not it was them or me that developed that
expectation. and, not to judge others nor allow others to judge me. That's not
my place, not even with political memes.
I regret nothing in my life. No choice, no action, no
suffering. I learned to accept all of them as a learning opportunity, and chose
to see them as a positive influence to do good and teach my child better ways.
This made me happier within myself. I gave up putting too much power in
unnecessary things, and instead decided to find positive ways of dealing with
them. I refuse to engage in hate or animosity. I had to let go of those who wanted to make me the scapegoat; the one to blame for their actions.
It is a choice, not a circumstance or feeling. I choose to
make my body the best it can be, and improve my health by real means, not fads.
I choose to improve my mind with constant learning, whether or not I have a
piece of paper to show for it. I choose to nurture my soul with positive
affirmations, seeking what I know to be the truth and acting on that to better
the world around me, rather than force what I believe - politically,
spiritually, or about life - down anyone's throat. I don't adhere to any
particular political party, nor any particular religion, but instead choose to
build my beliefs and faith on truth rather than propaganda; and support the
individual issues I agree with rather than bash those I do not. To not engage
in the negative aspects of hate, discontent, strife, or some such. I
acknowledge its existence, but I don't have to expose myself in it.
I give myself permission to take care of myself. To indulge
in the things that bring me joy, such as gardening, model railroad, designing,
and humor. There is a big difference in joy and happiness. Happiness comes from
within, from the core of one's being and the acceptance of themselves. The
harmony they have with their being and surroundings. Joy is the external
aspect, what you do or are a part of that releases those lovely endorphins and
strengthens the soul and mind, such as Galatians 5:18-26 shows (I will find
inspiration and truth where I will find it). I'm not big on preaching, but on
living what I believe and doing for others. What one says is not as important,
and even can be detrimental, to what they do or how they live. And I cannot
concern myself with those who chose to be negative. I learned that negativity
affects the brain and the physical health in very real and harmful ways. It
exacerbated my PTSD to the point I was having symptoms of bipolar and
schizophrenia, but later discovered, I didn't have those later problems.
I find I can be happy and am. I can increase joy in my life
and not allow the negative to affect me in harmful ways. I can acknowledge the
negative, and find positive ways to effect change, or put it out of my life if
change cannot happen. I can, in spite of physical limitations, Improve my life
and change those things which are not healthy. And have. It's a journey, not a
destination. I can and do surround myself with those who chose to be healthy in
all ways, and not with those who chose to wallow in the negative.
With such an attitude, and with forgiving myself when I
falter, I find a better and bigger strength, greater joy, and increased
happiness. I find a stronger and healthier body. I find excuses become weaker.
